Tue, Aug 8, 2017

Some of these tech vendors need to grow a pair.

I found an email of this nature in my inbox today:

Dearest Eugene,

Our sincerest apologies… (sob)… for previously mistakenly sending you this email about some industry event that we’re hosting. We realize you have not registered, and yet the message was dispatched to you. HOW COULD WE. For the inconvenience that we have caused you, and all the confusion - we are so, so sorry!.. We truly understand the rollercoaster of feels that you’re experiencing at this very moment! We want - nay, need! - to do better. You DESERVE better. We admit, this was a human error. We made a mistakeSUCH a mistake… And, indeed, we do so sincerely hope you still choose to remain on our mailing list. Please, please let’s stay friends! However, if you choose not to (ohnoes!!)…. We will be sad. So very sad, yet understanding of you clicking this unsubscribe link. ( pleeeezdontgoooooooooooo )

(Of course I’m exaggerating, but only slightly).

seriously, what IS this shit.

You’d think this was an apology for poisoning my prized breeding ferret, or another unthinkable evil of similar magnitude. But alas, a mere mis-addressed email message had been the trigger of such profuse expressions of remorse.

Now I face a dilemma, don’t you see? On one hand, some of the their content is kind of interesting. But on the other, this type of submissive servility is a turn-off of unsubscribeable magnitude.

Dear tech copywriters of the Web 2.x. We are not children, kk? Most of us don’t need a safe space to cry over your accidental emails. KTHXBAI.

Though on second thought, if you really feel the need to apologise - nothing short of a phone call shall suffice. Ladies and gentlemen - start your Asterisks!

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